Follow up

It’s been a while! Life got crazy for a bit, there — I decided to go out to the American Adoption Congress conference in Denver (and outed myself to a few people I trust as the writer of this blog). The conference is amazing, and it was fun to see first-timers have the awakening I had last year. At this conference, being adopted is the norm. It is normal to be adopted there. You don’t have to explain it. You don’t have to worry about what response you’ll get to your story. It’s amazing. It’s world-changing.

And then I had another conference to go to a few days later. Lots to process.

After a lot of consideration, I did reach out to the parent who has neither welcomed nor fully rejected me. I don’t know if this is an adoptee thing or a me thing, but I do not like tentative or uncertain relationships. I can tolerate getting to know people and deciding if we like each other enough to be friends. But I don’t do well with undefined.

So I asked what was up with this “invitation” to reach out again. It was weirdly delivered, indirectly, and I believe it was in response to a potential crisis that seems to have passed. Instead of clarity, I got hedging, defensiveness, and more muddy waters.

So I’ve backed off.

I am open to a relationship with my family, but only if it can be admitted that I am family. I’m willing to do the tests. I was willing to give them time to come to grips with the surprise of my existence. But I deserve better than being jerked around because of other people’s issues and insecurities. So, for now, I am done. I’m done reaching out, I’m done responding to indirect inquiries. I’m done putting myself on the line when my return on investment is so confusing.

And I’m okay. I wasn’t sure I would be. But I’m learning that I am not responsible for other people’s baggage, and I think I’m okay. Not happy. But not broken, either.





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