Facing down the dark side

Melodramatic, right? That’s how I feel, though, about being here at the AAC conference in Cambridge. I’m only attending two days of the conference, not all 5 (three are over), but I came down tonight because otherwise I’d have had to get up ridiculously early and the thought alone was stressing me out.

Actually, the whole thing is stressing me out. I have not slept well for days, although at least last night I had no nightmares that I remember. I didn’t really make the connection to THIS being the cause of stress and stress being the cause of sleep-restlessness until yesterday (so, three nights in). I am not always on the ball with these things. If I hadn’t already paid for the conference, I’d likely be at home tonight, with my cats, watching TV. I kind of wish I was.

Thing is, when I saw that the conference was within easy and cheap traveling distance from home, it seemed like the greatest opportunity ever. Every so often, I’ve gone looking for other adoptees or support groups in my area. About 4 years ago, prior to my search, I actually reached out to an adoption support group that met in an area about 90 minutes or so away. I inquired about the group and was told that they were mostly adoptive parents. I said that I was an adoptee, and that was the end of contact. They were not looking to hear from adult adoptees, I guess. Not that I think a group of adoptive parents was what I needed, either.

But I was excited. I marked the dates down on a post it and put it above my desk so that I’d be sure to remember to check back in when there were actual details. But now that it’s here? AGITATION. Restlessness. And honestly, fear. Sheesh. Why is it so scary to meet other people that want to talk about adoption, openly and honestly (I assume. I hope)? Am I afraid of feeling left out even in this group? Or am I afraid that the validation will break me apart? I really don’t know. But I am here. I’ve shown up. Now we just have to see what happens, I guess.

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