at a loss

I think I’ve drafted three different posts trying to talk about the holidays. I’ve finished none of them. Each one rambled off in a different direction, wandering far far away from what I thought I wanted to talk about. Maybe that’s the problem: what did I want to talk about? What did I want to say?

Holidays are about families and about traditions. My first family is new to me and I am not yet part of them. My adoptive family is much diminished, and our holiday traditions, based on people, are gone.

I spent part of my Christmas holiday alone, and part of it with my significant other. I had no expectations except that it be relaxed. I’d intended to do a little more cleaning. That didn’t happen. Most of dinner turned out lovely; part of it could definitely have been better. I got a few lovely gifts that I treasure, and I talked to both of my mothers.

I miss the holidays of tradition. I miss the family traditions I never knew from my first mother’s family. But until I figure out where I fit between my two families, I am comfortable spending my holidays as I choose, quietly, with good food, watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

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